So in a whirlwind of life here I am now. I needed a place to just purge some thoughts. (And where better than this long lost little blog of mine, that will likely never be seen! Perfect!)
So, I've been struggling... Hard.
Life circumstances have brought me to this place where I have been off of medications for a little over a month now. I went back to my job for one week, and due to the toxicity of the environment, the unwillingness of management to help me out by moving me to another department, and a lack of a babysitter, it all resulted in me quiting my job. It wasn't worth the drama and stress. So a consequence of my quiting is the obvious lack of health insurance. We are working on it, but have yet to have the coverage I need.
Being off of my antidepressant has probably been the biggest thing. I didn't think I would feel at all like I do... But I do. And it sucks. It's not as bad as the postpartum I experienced with Olivia's birth and the trama that surrounded that, but it's close, and getting closer as more "LIFE" happens.
I'm not me. I feel so off. I feel so close to breaking down. Everything is hard right now. And not just the actual hard stuff, but the small easy stuff. Sleeping, waking up, eating, spending money, babies crying, toddlers being toddlers, and kids being kids. Everything grates on me. My patience is gone. I'm snappy, and mean. I hate myself for being snappy and mean
I've started isolating and shutting down. My desire to do anything is gone. I'm going through the motions... And not for me- just for my kids- and barely even then. You know it's not just my mental health that's struggling either... Physically I'm beat. My back hurts and I'm literally in pain all the time to one degree or another. So coping with that--- I eat, or spend money. Yeah, super healthy, I know. So that obviously ties into my mental health, and of course makes things even harder.
But now me- also being diabetic and not having the medications I need for that... Yikes! I feel nasty on a whole other level. I am failing at taking care of myself. And I hate it. If I didn't know the difference, and couldn't tell that I'm off on so many levels.... I'd still NOT be fine, I would just be unaware, ignorant. But being aware and unable to get myself out of it, that's worse.
So yeah, I'm not good right now. I feel so alone. Which sucks, because I also can't seem to find any time for myself. I'm never alone. It seems like a conflicting situation. It's not. I want to be able to take care of myself, but feel so helpless and incapable. I feel stuck. I just want to sleep and never wake up. But sleeping also sucks because I haven't had good sleep in a long long time.
Depression/anxiety I have it. It sucks.
Diabetes I have it. It sucks.
Chronic back pain I have it. It sucks.
All that together, without being able to manage any of it... Yikes.... I need some help. I need my medications. Why does everything that would help me feel better have to be so expensive. What do I even do at this point!?
I'm giving everything I have. My best. It's not a lot right now. And it's going to have to be enough... Cuz I don't know what else to do. I really don't. There's nothing left for me to give. Nothing else I can do.
Just pray I guess.
So I pray.
I pray that I won't give up. I pray that I will have the energy to be the mom my girls need. I pray I won't ruin my relationships (especially the most important one with my husband) with my meanness and short temper. I pray that there will be understanding. I pray for hugs and a shoulder to cry on. I pray for compassion and empathy. I pray for financial help. I pray for medical insurance to come through so I can get help. I pray for kindness, shown me, and for me to be kind as well. I pray for forgiveness for all I've done wrong. I pray to know before I act what is right and what is wrong. I pray for angels to strengthen me and my soul. I pray that I make it... That I have the strength to keep holding on. I pray for my home, for a space that is mine. I pray I can have all this soon.
I pray.
God hears. I know this. God answers. I know this as well. I hope my body and soul come out on the other side. I'll likely be beaten- yes, very likely, but stronger and wiser. --I hope.
