I've been thinking a lot about where I am in my life, and how to get where I want to go. Really the help I need most, will always be learned from two of the gospel principles that I'm still trying to get a grasp of. Figures!
...Repentance and forgiveness Repentance has always been a process of steps that I understood but honestly haven't really put into sincere practice. Yes I've been a missionary and I've taught and born testimony of this principle, but as I think of it now I haven't really truly and sincerely believed and applied it in my own life. I just took the whole thing kind of for granted.
I am striving to be a better person someone I can like and respect and I know that repentance is the key. Once I can get this thing figured out inside and out, I feel that I will be that much closer to the destination I have in mind. I am also realizing more and more that it's just something I cannot do, or want to do alone. I need the help and love of others.
Thinking about all of this made me think of a conversation I had the other day with one of my co-workers. In the conversation the subject of forgiveness was brought up. He told me that before he felt like he could be married he needed to forgive himself for things in the past, the way he treated and thought of others, and himself. He told me that maybe there is something or somebody that I need to forgive as well. Now this conversation made such an impact on me that I had to think again hard about this other principle that I thought I understood, that of forgiveness. I have been holding onto some hurt from a couple of years ago...and I haven't even been truly conscience of how tightly I was holding onto that pain and hurt...like I could protect myself, and somehow feel better by keeping it close. This conversation I had has made me think, and is helping me realize that I'm really just hurting myself more because I have refused to acknowledge and forgive all that has happened that hurt me. I have such a long way to go...mostly cuz I realized I didn't even want to forgive, and that won't get me anywhere! I know I need to, and that a change of heart is in order, but with some repenting I think I will find the strength in me (somewhere) to forgive. I know that this path I have chosen is at times rough and filled with pain but I am learning and hopefully becoming that person I plan and want to be.
I read a quote in a talk that has helped me. As I turn my life in the direction God wants me to go I may feel alone and forsaken, And have moments that are not quite 'on', but I have a support system in place that lifts me up and can help me repent and forgive even when at times I don't even have a desire to do so.
Here is one of the quotes:
"In the anguishing process of repentance, (or forgiveness) we may sometimes feel God has deserted us. The reality is that our behavior has isolated us from Him. Thus, while we are turning away from evil but have not yet turned fully to God, we are especially vulnerable. Yet we must not give up, but, instead, reach out to God’s awaiting arm of mercy, which is outstretched “all the day long.
Genuine support and love from others—not isolation—are needed to sustain this painful forsaking and turning (or forgiving )."
I am grateful that even as I feel that I have left the path marked for me, I have a loving Heavenly Father who will inspire others to say something or act in a way that offers me another chance to make a course correction. He is always there for me, and has sent others to my aid when I needed it the most. Even through casual conversation if I'm willing to look for it and pay heed to the spirit that helps me realize there may be something more in those words especially for me.
We are blessed.